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I don't know your background, but if this does not work the engineers at the place where I'm buying the relays made a different suggestion, but it requires the ability to solder. I've done this many times so it's not a problem for me.:

PC Relay: CPC1218Y
Breadboards: 1608
Yeah this is something I could do, I’ve worked with those proto boards lots before. I noticed the current spec is 600 mA on the switched side, so the idea is to using this off the 5 V signal to in turn power a 12V relay, correct?

Now these guys claim to be 5V or less trigger, optoisolator, and a relay that can handle 10A all on one board.
Valefod DC 5V Relay Module 1-Channel Relay Switch with Optocoupler Isolation High/Low Level Trigger, Pack of 10 Valefod DC 5V Relay Module 1-Channel Relay Switch with Optocoupler Isolation High/Low Level Trigger, Pack of 10: Amazon.ca: Industrial & Scientific

edit—although there’s some hilarious reviews of people using this to switch 125VAC at 1500W, despite it saying 10A right on the relay. At 12V though I doubt there would be a problem.

I guess either option needs to be weatherized.

edit2–so the one I just posted takes + and - 12V, and a 5V + signal. You’d want to make sure you got a really good ground (very little resistance between your ground point and the ECU ground point).

The more I think about this, the more worried I am about ending up with a $2000 ECU replacement.

edit 3: I guess you could take the +12V, ground, and 5V signal right off the wires going to the headlight. I’d wire in a fairly low current fuse on the 5V and 12V lines.
 
I don't know your background, but if this does not work the engineers at the place where I'm buying the relays made a different suggestion, but it requires the ability to solder. I've done this many times so it's not a problem for me.:

PC Relay: CPC1218Y
Breadboards: 1608
I’m thinking the one you posted earlier might be the best bet. But you’ll need to have it cut off the fog relay, control side from the push button switch, as the fog relay has a protection resistor for surge, and not directly wire the load to the fog lights (I.e. don’t put this after the fog light relay). They actually recommend using diodes in reverse for this purpose.


Thee other modules I posted use screw terminals, which will come loose with vibration, and in addition most low voltage relays That are not designed for automotive use are likely to trigger falsely (or fail to trigger) due to vehicle movement and vibration.

The little tiny one you quoted above needs to have a resistor added to its input (from what I could tell from the spec sheet) to limit the current into the triggering side. It also gets into lots of fiddly soldering and then need to waterproof it and add terminals appropriate to connect with the car circuits. The tab connectors on the one you ordered from Digikey seem more suitable for this application.
 
The relay came in today. I haven't assembled it, but I did test it with alligator clips and it works perfectly. Here is my planned installation:

Pins 1 & 2 are the load. - pin will go to ground, + pin will connect to the black wire on the original relay (ground wire). I tested with an amp meter and this wire carries less than 1 amp. Need to be careful because the load side of the relay is 7.64 amps, and this is only a 10 amp relay. Yes, technically it can handle it, but between being in the engine compartment and the amps flowing through it can overheat.

Pins 3 & 4 are the trigger pins. - pin will go to ground, + pin connects to wire #4 on the headlight relay. This pin has voltage when the low beams are on, and goes to ground when the high beams come on. You can tell wire #4 from the others because it is the only wire in that row (3 wires on the upper row, only 1 wire on the lower row).

Will post tomorrow when I finish the installation. With all the testing I ran out of female terminal connectors.
 
Ok, this is my last writeup post on this, feel free to ask questions and I'll answer as best I can. A full writeup on this isn't possible as I found out that the wiring harnesses differ from one manufacturer to another. Some have a single wire (like mine) that goes through the firewall, others have multiple wires to go through. There are a lot of good videos on YouTube on how to install the fog lights and run them to where they need to go, this post is intended to explain wiring up so the fog lights go off when the high beams go on.

On the inside of the vehicle (sorry, no picture) I connected the fog light switch to the AHBS (auto-high beam switch) for power, this comes on when the low beams are turned on, and have power through all positions of the switch. The wire provides power to illuminate the fog light switch, and to provide positive power to the fog light relay trigger terminal.

The photo below shows where I connected the positive power to the load side of the relay. I drilled a small hole (3/32", 3mm) through the relay box to run the wire. The ground wire for the relay connects to a 10mm bolt located to the left of the relay box near the firewall, it sits on the side of the body and holds a black bracket in place. I chose this because it's a 10mm bolt and the ground wire ring fits it perfectly.
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I'm not a fan of mechanical connectors, but the wiring Toyota uses is very thin and can be cut through with a razor blade. Normally I would shave the insulation from the wire, wrap the connecting wire around it, then solder for a secure, permanent connection. But, as I said, I found that these 5v wires can be cut through very easily. I opted for a mechanical T-connector as shown below, it requires less open wire than the normal inline connectors. On my vehicle the wire I tapped into was white/green, but it is the only wire in its row on the connector.
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This photo shows the relay I purchased (see prior posts for the information), I used a wire strap to connect it to the fog light relay since I would be using some of its wires.

I cut the fog light ground wire to tap into for the triggering voltage, the amps on this line are well below 1 amp. The relay I'm using is rated at 10 amps, a lower rated amp might work but also be aware of the temperature rating for the relay, solid state relays have lower ratings than their mechanical counterparts, but mechanical ones require more current than Toyota provides.

Terminal -2 connects to the bolt I talked about above.
Terminal +1 connects to the ground wire going into the fog light relay.
Terminal -4 connects to the same bolt as Terminal -2, again, easily located.
Terminal +3 is the other end of the wire that connected to the headlight green/white wire.
168306



In action: high beams off, fog lights on:
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Hard to see in this photo because of the sunlight and the angle, but the high beam is on and the fog lights are off (just have to trust me on this):
168308


Here is the relay I purchased, the people there (community forum) were really helpful on finding the right relay for this task:

 
Great write-up, thanks for finally finding a way to solve this!

If you have any concerns about the T-tap connector, there are “paint-on” electrical tapes that you can use to weather-proof it.
My concern is more over the mechanical breakdown over time. I have had to replace them many times on other tasks because the plastic deteriorates from the heat of the engine compartment. Or they loosen for some unknown reason and I have to replace them.
 
My concern is more over the mechanical breakdown over time. I have had to replace them many times on other tasks because the plastic deteriorates from the heat of the engine compartment. Or they loosen for some unknown reason and I have to replace them.
A long-term solution might be to unplug the connector, use a connector terminal remover tool to pull that pin and wire out of the headlight connector (the part on the wire), and crimp on a new terminal connector with both the tap wire and the normal headlight wire. You’d have to have the correct crimp-on terminal ready to go.

kind of tools this guy has on the keychain thing:


I’d want to be find a similar connector in a junkyard car and practice on it first.

also if you look at the video below (I’m not a fan of the mod), but it’s interesting at 2:12 he shows how to pull the weather boot off an individual wire on these sorts of connectors. I don’t like how he just stuffs the wire ends in there, but you could pull the rubber boot off the wire, use a pin ejector tool to get that connector out, and maybe lightly solder to the back of the exposed connector, then put it back in.

 
A long-term solution might be to unplug the connector, use a connector terminal remover tool to pull that pin and wire out of the headlight connector (the part on the wire), and crimp on a new terminal connector with both the tap wire and the normal headlight wire. You’d have to have the correct crimp-on terminal ready to go.

kind of tools this guy has on the keychain thing:


I’d want to be find a similar connector in a junkyard car and practice on it first.

also if you look at the video below (I’m not a fan of the mod), but it’s interesting at 2:12 he shows how to pull the weather boot off an individual wire on these sorts of connectors. I don’t like how he just stuffs the wire ends in there, but you could pull the rubber boot off the wire, use a pin ejector tool to get that connector out, and maybe lightly solder to the back of the exposed connector, then put it back in.

Seems like more work than I care to get into (sounds funny after everything I did to get this to work) at this time. It's working, if I need to fix it later there are other, easier, options than what he is doing. I applied the T-connecter far enough away from the plug that I can cut it and splice in longer wires if need be.
 
Ok, so this doesn't work, but it took me until inspection to know that, which is why the delay. The front of the vehicle has three lights per side. Turns out that the relay pulls too much power for the small 5v system Toyota chose to use on this model. When the fogs come on there isn't enough power to run the lights, the light output drops which, in Pa at least, it not legal. I had to disconnect the fogs, at least until I can come up with a solution, none has come to me yet.
 
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